Little Pearls

“The harder life is never stepping off the path while always aching to do so” Cheryl Strayed – Dear Sugars

The guest room: breakfast served

Day 2 of the 6 month lease. Yesterday I got the keys to my new place and my new life.  It is still a beautiful space, but such mixed emotions.   Yesterday I felt mostly dread.  I'm still at my house, there is no furniture in my new place - I'll be moving in about 11 days, after Christmas.

Cameron made breakfast in bed for me yesterday morning.  My daughter and one of my dogs were lying with me – my fairy lights were on, I was knitting.  It was very pleasant.  But there is an imbalance happening – and that is another reason why I need some space. We both need some space. Cameron is actively showing me love, but it feels in desperation – and that doesn’t feel authentic.  We both need some space to rethink our relationship, to do some soul searching – and so I know, as Kim stated this morning at coffee, what I want – not just what Cameron doesn’t want to lose. There is a profound difference between these two things. And Cameron needs some space so he can stop having to try and “win” me back.  

The kid’s mattresses were being delivered to the place last night, but there was also Alison and Ryan’ Christmas party – so I was all dressed up in a green and stripy dress, and went to this empty, cold duplex all by myself.  And I’ve realized that I’ve NEVER in my life, lived by myself.  How have I never done that? 

Sprained left thumb

And the fedex man came and delivered the boxes – should I be worried that mattress are delivered in little, tiny boxes? And I sprained my thumb yesterday ice-skating and all of a sudden my whole life feels so much harder – more physically harder, than it did when I woke up yesterday morning. Day 1 and I'm supposed to feel clarity.  Instead, I feel dread.  What does the stupid sprained thumb even represent in my life?  I went to urgent care by myself and spent 3 ½ hours there by myself.  Is this my new life?  I didn’t mind, because I listened to dear sugars the whole time and felt validated all over again that I’m making the right, courageous decision for now- and I started reading a book, and I can so easily entertain myself – but there it is – waiting in a waiting room by myself.  That is the consequence of my decision already.  

And then, there was the kitchen experience last night, with Cameron in tears, but I’m not wanting to console.  I listened, but I don’t want to physically console.  The sadness on his face is so, so, so heartbreaking.  You would have to be a cold hearted killer to not feel empathy for the devastation so evident on his face. His mouth so down turned. 

Today, Cameron is in another flurry – another manic place – moving around me, fixing the house; things that needed to be done years ago – literally.  This morning, when I came out of the guest bedroom, he was plastering up the drywall that Rocky ate in our kitchen.  I’m glad and excited that he is being so productive, but it can’t stay at this level.  He is going to have a hard crash and burn. I hope it doesn’t all turn to rage. 

The episode I started listening to. Was “How Do I Find the Courage to Be my Own Guide” – and of course, it spoke directly to my heart.  I guess the hard thing about being your own guide is that there are so many consequences and souls involved. 

In my mind: a really bad night out

The first question that comes up is who are you giving power to in your life, and how are you giving them power?  I think the first place to start with renegotiating my relationship with Cameron is that the power dynamic needs to change.  I gave him too much.  The letter they are responding to talks about a “safe prison” – and the place where I was in my relationship with Cameron was an “emotionally unsafe prison.” And once I can understand more where I gave my power away, where I allowed that exchange to happen, only then can I counteract it and renegotiate it so that it is different, and safe, and not a prison at all but a healthy relationship full of ups and downs of imperfect people trying to work it out. And the only way to counteract the voices of power is to decide that “they are not the voices that are going to determine your life”. And Cheryl continues with how do you step into your life and be your own guide, that it is one step at a time – and practiced over and over and over again – and that it begins with the writing of the letter to Dear Sugar – and for me, it began well beyond that, but part of me stepping into my own guide is this reflection.

I cannot think clearly without my voice in written words –
My written words guide me more than anything –
I end up with little pearls.